Mark Twain
The Innocents Abroad


Mark Twain

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The Innocents Abroad Page 01

[From an 1869--1st Edition]


CHAPTER I. Popular Talk of the Excursion--Programme of the Trip--Duly Ticketed for the Excursion--Defection of the Celebrities

CHAPTER II. Grand Preparations--An Imposing Dignitary--The European Exodus-- Mr. Blucher's Opinion--Stateroom No. 10--The Assembling of the Clans-- At Sea at Last

CHAPTER III. "Averaging" the Passengers--Far, far at Sea.--Tribulation among the Patriarchs--Seeking Amusement under Difficulties--Five Captains in the Ship

CHAPTER IV. The Pilgrims Becoming Domesticated--Pilgrim Life at Sea--"Horse- Billiards"--The "Synagogue"--The Writing School--Jack's "Journal"-- The "Q. C. Club"--The Magic Lantern--State Ball on Deck--Mock Trials-- Charades--Pilgrim Solemnity--Slow Music--The Executive Officer Delivers an Opinion

CHAPTER V. Summer in Mid-Atlantic--An Eccentric Moon--Mr. Blucher Loses Confidence --The Mystery of "Ship Time"--The Denizens of the Deep--"Land Hoh"-- The First Landing on a Foreign Shore--Sensation among the Natives-- Something about the Azores Islands--Blucher's Disastrous Dinner-- The Happy Result

CHAPTER VI. Solid Information--A Fossil Community--Curious Ways and Customs--Jesuit Humbuggery--Fantastic Pilgrimizing--Origin of the Russ Pavement-- Squaring Accounts with the Fossils--At Sea Again

CHAPTER VII. A Tempest at Night--Spain and Africa on Exhibition--Greeting a Majestic Stranger--The Pillars of Hercules--The Rock of Gibraltar--Tiresome Repetition--"The Queen's Chair"--Serenity Conquered--Curiosities of the Secret Caverns--Personnel of Gibraltar--Some Odd Characters--A Private Frolic in Africa--Bearding a Moorish Garrison (without loss of life)--Vanity Rebuked--Disembarking in the Empire of Morocco

CHAPTER VIII. The Ancient City of Tangier, Morocco--Strange Sights--A Cradle of Antiquity--We become Wealthy--How they Rob the Mail in Africa--The Danger of being Opulent in Morocco

CHAPTER IX. A Pilgrim--in Deadly Peril--How they Mended the Clock--Moorish Punishments for Crime--Marriage Customs--Looking Several ways for Sunday --Shrewd, Practice of Mohammedan Pilgrims--Reverence for Cats--Bliss of being a Consul-General

CHAPTER X. Fourth of July at Sea--Mediterranean Sunset--The "Oracle" is Delivered of an Opinion--Celebration Ceremonies--The Captain's Speech--France in Sight--The Ignorant Native--In Marseilles--Another Blunder--Lost in the Great City--Found Again--A Frenchy Scene

CHAPTER XI. Getting used to it--No Soap--Bill of Fare, Table d'hote--"An American Sir"--A Curious Discovery--The "Pilgrim" Bird--Strange Companionship-- A Grave of the Living--A Long Captivity--Some of Dumas' Heroes--Dungeon of the Famous "Iron Mask."

CHAPTXR XII. A Holiday Flight through France--Summer Garb of the Landscape--Abroad on the Great Plains--Peculiarities of French Cars--French Politeness American Railway Officials--"Twenty Mnutes to Dinner!"--Why there are no Accidents--The "Old Travellers"--Still on the Wing--Paris at Last----French Order and Quiet--Place of the Bastile--Seeing the Sights-- A Barbarous Atrocity--Absurd Billiards

CHAPTER XIII. More Trouble--Monsieur Billfinger--Re-Christening the Frenchman--In the Clutches of a Paris Guide--The International Exposition--Fine Military Review--Glimpse of the Emperor Napoleon and the Sultan of Turkey

CHAPTER XIV. The Venerable Cathedral of Notre-Dame--Jean Sanspeur's Addition-- Treasures and Sacred Relics--The Legend of the Cross--The Morgue--The Outrageious 'Can-Can'--Blondin Aflame--The Louvre Palace--The Great Park --Showy Pageantry--Preservation of Noted Things

CHAPTER XV. French National Burying--Ground--Among the Great Dead--The Shrine of Disappointed Love--The Story of Abelard and Heloise--"English Spoken Here"--"American Drinks Compounded Here"--Imperial Honors to an American--The Over-estimated Grisette--Departure from Paris--A Deliberate Opinion Concerning the Comeliness of American Women

CHAPTER XVI. Versailles--Paradise Regained--A Wonderful Park--Paradise Lost-- Napoleonic Strategy

Mark Twain
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